On est monté

That monolith shimmering in the bald sunlight
That echoes your radiance, crowns it,
that instant that was you

you the statue upon the plateau
you who paused at
midheight for breath
to gaze around below
measuring the way up

daring to
recall the birth pangs
the amoebic stain star-shaped
your chagrin, your defiance

my body, my blood to you
Satan
to you, God
Take me with you

to the, up to the serenity
the disdain,
tthe condescension
the heights

You make it look so easy
yet
how amid the flawlessness of clouds
do you know me
this gaping
cowering desire

How can you
know me?

I know the depths and the heights
daily my mind soars and crawls, laughs,
weeps
the images piercing the air before I can stop them,
remind them
that their dimensions are strange
that they should whisper to me,
not roar

I know now the maestro’s icy calm
is hardly a mask

that he knows my trembling soul
because he is my weeping void
that reaches up for nothing more than a mask
his mask

where is the calm you feign? Have you given it up?
What do you reach for?
The form of perfection?

You have handed it to me
I hear the purity in silence

the air trembles,
starved for each note
begging for more

I alone with your music
reduced each time to the waif
you demanding me to climb each day higher
to surpass you

The pain is so intense
I cannot stay awake long enough

I who know the spirits of the night watch
have heard their secrets,
they, mine

the air nods, the air
smiles, the air listens

calling me now to recite
the rape of my spirit
ththe day
yyou breached the distance
turning me to flesh

how could I know, spurning food for your words
how could I know you would unclothe your desire
I never dared wonder about

Why call to me when there are so many others, gods
I fancy want you as I do
and have you

Why call me

why the closeness all of a
sudden became flesh
you assuming, knowing

that I a man with never a thought for men
was suddenly stripped raw
with a thirst
and dared imagine the motion beneath
your icy stillness
dared imagine
other times of frenzy,
knowing your passions

dared imagine, dared wonder
dared fleeting stares

furious at my discomfort
I a man disturbed
when all my life nothing close to me beyond a woman
could seize me as you were laughingly devouring my soul

unhesitant
as if all my life
were this disgrace,
this, dare to say it,
rapture?

This disgust
at the utter negation
of my feigned predilections

transcending gender
transcending sex

the passion, the Gefuhl, the wings you gave me
that first time I fled

wildly flapping raped, seized, devoured, screaming back
wildly desiring
weeping at the indignation of desiring

beyond the flawless white shirt
the knotted tie

the heart
to hold my hand over it

to sense completely
essences of you
I should never consider
never imagine exist

to lift the fervor
out of music
into your soul

to feel you loose control
and give way to me

to join our radiance to the pulse of God.


Was that it?


MNS
10/28/97


Copyright (C) Marta Steele 1997, 2012. May not be reproduced in any form without express permission of author.